It's a Nice Day for a Walmart Wedding

Giving us yet another reason why America is absolutely awesome, Walmart has now made itself available for weddings.  The ability to purchase wedding presents at the ceremony should significantly reduce the number of post-wedding re-giftings.  In exchange for the chance to be married at your 24-hour convenience, the presiding Priest/Rabbi/Officer of the Peace is required to include a new amendment to the vows, that the couple promise "to provide each other with always low prices, always, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part."

Whoopi Goldberg reminded everyone she's still alive by clarifying, for all of those out there who are confused on the issue of sexual assault, that Roman Polanski did not commit "rape rape".  She went on to say that it was something else, (something rape-ish?) But getting a 13-year-old boozed up and then drugging her pre-coitus is outside the legal definition of rape-rape. Right? Yeah, and they say Elisabeth Hasselbeck is the crazy woman on The View.  I think Charles Manson just found his new attorney.  Your Honor, I know my client Mr. Manson committed something, not "multiple-homicide multiple-homicide," but maybe it was something else?  Legal scholars are eagerly awaiting what indeed may become a new precedent.

The St. Louis Cardinals have quickly turned their playoff-clinching winning streak into a 6-10 slide in their last 16 games.  Hopefully Albert Pujols will be healthy enough before the regular season ends so that his teammates, or at least the middle of the lineup and the starting rotation, can drink sufficient quantities of his blood, the effects of which include ridiculously high offensive numbers and the ability to increase the pity one must feel for the Chicago Cubs.  Seriously, maybe Chicago needs a new stadium? It worked for the Yankees after one season. They are even thinking about hosting a bowl game in 2010, so fans from Iowa and Kansas can enjoy the smug looks that only NYY season ticket-holders can afford to give you.

A Daily Roundup

Firstly, I would like to congratulate Sarah Palin for writing the first memoir of her illustrious non-career, "Going Rogue," which has already sold 1.5 million copies.  Personally I would imagine that any Jack London novel would cover the topics of ... well, anything having to do with hunting, snow, snow dogs, and Alaska in significantly better prose than Palin (read: Palin speechwriters.)  Fans of down-home folksy "you betchya's" would be better off buying the Palin memoir.  A major selling point for London, however, is that his books are currently available in eBook format, while Palin fans will be forced to endure the agonizing wait for the Going Rogue eBook until after Christmas, a major blow for eager GOP eGift givers.

Also this week, Tufts University took a hard line on roommate relations when it announced that sex is prohibited if roommates are present.  Many Tufts students who often resort to a combination of noise isolating headphones and foam earplugs in order to block out the live-action National Geographic documentaries frequently occurring in their rooms believe the policy to be a godsend.  Most, however, think these aforementioned students should learn to read the not-so-subtle codes on their door-mounted dry erase board.

As the debate on health care (without a doubt the most pressing, has-to-be-done-right-now issue currently facing our nation) continues in Congress, Americans rejoice at the possibility of enjoying a DMV-like atmosphere at their local hospital:

Hold on, I'm sure I have that form in here somewhere.  What...signed and notarized in TRIPLICATE?!

If the Democrats cannot pass a bill on the Eighth Circle of Hell through a vote, they will settle for the Fifth Circle by exercising Budget Reconciliation.

In lighter-headed news, I recently viewed the video of Tim Tebow being smoked, first by Kentucky's Taylor Wyndham, and nanoseconds later by the massive leg of his O-Lineman Marcus Gilbert.  
(I  now have a mild concussion.)  Instantly, the church-going intentions of Gator fans quadrupled, so in reality Tebow should be thankful, and would have pointed to the sky in praise if he had any fucking idea where that was.  He later recalled that after the hit, he had seen Jesus, but I've seen a lot of paintings of Jesus, none of which feature Him in blue wearing number 94.

Hold the applause

Yes I've started a blog, and already I'm disgusted by the smugness. Take, for instance, this excerpt used as an example for the color scheme I'm currently using:

More glorious and more dread than from no fall

Mee though just right, and the fixt Laws of Heav'n
Did first create your Leader, next, free choice,
With what besides, in Counsel or in Fight,
Hath bin achievd of merit, yet this loss
Thus farr at least recover'd, hath much more
Establisht in a safe unenvied Throne
Yeilded with full consent.

Posted by John Doe

It's a good thing that John Milton uses this site lest I think it the lowbrow realm of emo wrist-cutters and Twilight fan girls.

PS why is John Milton so bad at spelling?