It's a Nice Day for a Walmart Wedding

Giving us yet another reason why America is absolutely awesome, Walmart has now made itself available for weddings.  The ability to purchase wedding presents at the ceremony should significantly reduce the number of post-wedding re-giftings.  In exchange for the chance to be married at your 24-hour convenience, the presiding Priest/Rabbi/Officer of the Peace is required to include a new amendment to the vows, that the couple promise "to provide each other with always low prices, always, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part."

Whoopi Goldberg reminded everyone she's still alive by clarifying, for all of those out there who are confused on the issue of sexual assault, that Roman Polanski did not commit "rape rape".  She went on to say that it was something else, (something rape-ish?) But getting a 13-year-old boozed up and then drugging her pre-coitus is outside the legal definition of rape-rape. Right? Yeah, and they say Elisabeth Hasselbeck is the crazy woman on The View.  I think Charles Manson just found his new attorney.  Your Honor, I know my client Mr. Manson committed something, not "multiple-homicide multiple-homicide," but maybe it was something else?  Legal scholars are eagerly awaiting what indeed may become a new precedent.

The St. Louis Cardinals have quickly turned their playoff-clinching winning streak into a 6-10 slide in their last 16 games.  Hopefully Albert Pujols will be healthy enough before the regular season ends so that his teammates, or at least the middle of the lineup and the starting rotation, can drink sufficient quantities of his blood, the effects of which include ridiculously high offensive numbers and the ability to increase the pity one must feel for the Chicago Cubs.  Seriously, maybe Chicago needs a new stadium? It worked for the Yankees after one season. They are even thinking about hosting a bowl game in 2010, so fans from Iowa and Kansas can enjoy the smug looks that only NYY season ticket-holders can afford to give you.